What do we have here?

Ryan threw one mean bachelor party. Even when he wasn't the Best Man, or in the wedding at all for that matter, his buddies still turned to him to ensure the Groom got a proper send off into marital celibacy.

Last night, though; last night was the piece de resistance. It was his best friend Jason's turn, and Ryan, as the Best Man, pulled out all the stops. The night had started with a limo ride to the airport. Ryan, Jason, Mark and William filed into the private jet, buckling themselves into the wide, leather seats.

The flight from Sacramento to Vegas took barely an hour, and yet between the four of them they managed to kill a bottle of 20 year old Glenfiddich Scotch, and four Cuban stogies bigger than a proud man's penis.

Emerging from the smoke-filled cabin of the plane, they all slid into another limo, oblivious to the staggering heat of the desert air that began to suck the moisture from their skins. At The Bellagio they ate 12 ounce filet mignons, medium rare, and washed it down with the finest red wine the restaurant had to offer.

The Sapphire Club. This is where the evening really began, and all four of them would agree on this point when reminiscing about the events of that night. Dom and Beluga caviar, combined with Courtney, Michelle, Annabelle and Sarah, set things into fast forward. Partway through their fourth bottle of champagne, they staggered back into the limo with their ladies, swearing to each other that Jason's bride, Jenny, would never hear about any of this.

Ryan and Courtney stumbled down the hall of The Bellagio, hands and mouths seeking and finding, not giving a rat's ass what the passersby thought of the spectacle they made. Managing to locate is key card, he struggled to figure out what direction to hold it so that the lock on his door could read it, and the attention Courtney was paying to his groin wasn't making it easy to focus.

At last the door opened and he gave a drunken victory whoop, lifting Courtney and pulling her inside. He'd really out done himself this time. If there was an award for the most legendary bachelor party ever, he should win it, hands down.

Courtney pushed him back onto the bed and his heart raced with anticipation. He reached for her and-

The next thing Ryan knew, he was hot and sweaty, but it didn't feel like the kind of hot and sweaty he should have been. Opening his eyes he stared up at a clear blue sky. Dust swirled around him as cars roared past, and sitting up he looked around and the pile of garbage he was sitting in.

Memories of the previous night's festivities were fuzzy, but the current facts were very clear; he was naked, and was handcuffed to a goat. Just as the thought was going through his mind that yes, that was the best bachelor party in history, a police officer swaggered up, and in Spanish he asked, "What do we have here?"